It was one year ago that my husband Oren and I said “I Do”. It was an amazing evening filled with family, laughter, happiness, romance, and of course, love! Our night went as planned, and I could not have imagined the wedding any better.
Oren and I just celebrated our one year anniversary. We went back to the hotel where we got married and spent a romantic evening catching the show “Kinky Boots” and eating at the best restaurant in Ohio, which happens to be in the hotel. The show was so good, and the dinner was phenomenal. O and I have been told we have a spark to our relationship, but to be careful because that sparks drifts off with time. However, if our one year anniversary was any indication of what our future holds, I am going to say it looks pretty damn good and that spark is not going anywhere!
The wedding process was very difficult for me. I had women here and there who were assisting me with the wedding, but as I mentioned in basically every single post, it did not come close to having my mom be there with me through the process. I thought on the day of the wedding I would be super depressed about her not being there. And while I woke up with her on my mind that morning, I also woke up with many exciting things on my mind that morning! She was there beside me the whole day, in my thoughts, and it did not make me feel sad or mad. I was so overcome with joy that I was marrying O, that the absence of her was not ideal, but surprisingly, it did not put a damper on my wedding day. And thank goodness! I was living in fear for nearly 14 months that my whole wedding day would be ruined because I could not get over the fact she was not there. Do not get me wrong, the day was not easy breezy without emotions (my Dad and I had a nice cry with how much we wished she was there, the Rabbi spoke beautifully about her and about how she was with me, through me…etc.) but overall, I was so happy to start the rest of my life by marrying my best friend and the most amazing man, that fact took over everything else.. and I believe that is exactly the way she would have wanted that.
The past year as a wife has been much different than the many years of not being a wife… I graduated from my Master’s program (hey!) and I landed a position at a great organization doing development work. I am back in my home, Cincinnati, full time, and O and I have rented a beautiful house. We are looking to buy this year, which is super exciting, scary, crazy, nerve wrecking… you get the idea. I am going through a lot of emotions. 2015 was a year of crazy milestones and changes. And it continued on without my Mom. Through all this, I learned that being a motherless bride is not where all the pain stops. I bet I could have told you that before, but I guess now is the first time I am presenting it somewhere other than my own thoughts.
I am realizing that just because I am no longer a motherless bride, my motherless sadness is ever present. Every day I go through many things where I find myself wondering what advice my mother would give, or what she went through in her newlywed years…? I have so many questions, and when I open myself to friends they say “Would she know the answer to that?” or, “It’s different for everyone else, so what may have been true for her is not true for you”. I often wonder if they are uncomfortable and just tell me something easy, or if this is what they really think.
Buying a house is a big deal and for me a huge commitment. Though I never second guessed marrying Oren, this commitment feels 10X crazier than getting married. It is things such as this adventure of buying house in which I would like to ask my Mom a million questions. I have others, but there is nothing like Mom’s advice, or opinion. Instead, I have to guess what she would say to me, which is not fun at all. Who is to say that my guesses would be her opinions? I am at a loss.
Any motherless wives out there that want to give advice about how they get through the huge milestones without the input of Mom?
I will continue to ask my pendulum if my decisions are correct….. At least the Universe helps guide me.