I just want her.

The stress of wedding planning is heavy on my shoulders. Along with the stress of wedding planning, I also have stress in other areas of my life.

I guess I have not given an introduction of myself or my story yet. I am currently in a Master’s program working and going to school full time. I had an amazing opportunity to study what I am passionate about for free. I have free tuition, a meal plan, free housing… it really does not get much better. When Oren popped the question, I knew that balancing wedding planning and school was going to be tough, especially with no one to help me.

My mom passed away almost 8 years ago. She died from breast cancer, but fought for over 10 years. She was the strongest woman I know and the most inspiring woman I will ever know. I will never find a woman with her heart, determination, love, drive, compassion, sensitivity, fearlessness, strength… I could go on and on. I am sure most women feel this way about their mom, not all but a lot. There were not many people who disliked my mom, though there were a few- and that is because she didn’t back down to anyone and did not let anyone walk over her, something I admire. My mom fought that cancer for me and my brothers. She didn’t want us to grow up without a mom. She went through hell and back-quite literally- to try to fight the disease. She did not win. On September 26th 2006 the world lost an amazing soul. I find comfort knowing she watches over me.

I do not think people know how to help a motherless bride. People expect me to reach out to them for help, but in all honesty how can I do that? I feel like I am annoying and in my silly mind I think if they have not offered, why would I reach out. Of course people say “if you need anything, I can help” when what I want to hear “what do you need? I WANT to help.”

I think what I want to say is as simple as this: No matter how many people want to help me, no matter how many people do help me, it will never be enough because it is not my mom. No one is as excited for me as my mom would have been. No one constantly wants to discuss decor, and hair, and makeup, and shoes, and lighting as my mom would have. No one wants to hear about the wedding 24/7 as my mom would have. I think knowing that has been the most difficult thing to get over. I just want my mom.

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