Monthly Archives: April 2014

Trouble in Paradise.

Not that we live in paradise. The weather in Ohio is horrible.

One month ago we received a call from O’s Dad. We were at a new restaurant, trying their seafood because we heard it was delicious. We had spent the day hiking together and enjoying the beautiful sunny weather. When we sat down for dinner, O received a call from his dad. What was bizarre about this call is he had tried to call him multiple times, which set an alarm off for both of us. Right away, I knew something was wrong. I did not know the extent of how bad it was, but I could feel it in my veins.

O called his dad back and his dad told O his mom wanted to talk to him. As I looked at O, I saw the muscles in his face fall farther and farther. He covered his eyes with his hand and began rubbing his forehead in a way he only does when he is receiving stressful news. I knew right then that my instincts were right. Something was wrong. After what felt like hours but in actuality was only a 10-15 minute phone call, O said goodbye to his mom. I immediately  asked “What is wrong?!” knowing I did not actually want to hear the bad news.

O told me his mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. My heart stopped. I began to cry knowing I should be strong for Oren in this moment, but I could not control my tears. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 9 years old. I started to tear up asking questions O did not know the answer too. I asked him if we should leave the restaurant, but we had already ordered and we could not exactly take our dinner home (my house is kosher, ironic). We sat at dinner and ate our food quietly, neither of is having anything to say, or having much of an appetite. We left shortly after and went home, a quiet car ride.

Fast forward to today. In the last 3 or 4 weeks we have learned a lot more than we knew that day. We found out she has stage one breast cancer (good) and has the BRCA 2 gene (bad, but BRCA 2 is better than BRCA 1) it hasn’t spread (good) and she is undergoing surgery Monday for a double mastectomy. Since she has the gene, she wanted to do a double mastectomy even though the cancer has not spread. Worth it in my opinion, as she won’t have a reoccurrence down the road. After Monday we will know what treatment she will need to make sure she is clear of the devil, breast cancer.

My feelings have been through the roof. My first priority is O. He has been traveling back and forth from Indiana and Ohio to be with his mom, attend doctor’s appointments, and just support her through this stressful time. I want to make everything okay, but I know that is not possible. He is stressed and anxious as anyone would be in this situation. We try to keep busy but it’s hard to not think about it 24/7.

My mom’s breast cancer took her life. For four years O has been listening to my experiences living with my mom when she was sick and now not living with her at all. I am worried O thinks about my mom when he thinks about his mom’s current situation. I do not bring up my mom’s situation as I want him to know that our mom’s illnesses are very different, even though it is the same disease. My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. The cancer had spread to other parts of her body. She went through a mastectomy, chemo, and was very sick. Once she finally was free of the cancer, she lived 7 years in remission until 2003 when she was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer. Obviously, a blow to our family. She lived 3 more years until she passed away.

O’s mom having breast cancer hits too close to home. I try to remember how different the situations are and try to stay positive for him. I know she will be okay, but the process is still scary as ever. It is very stressful to think of all that she is going to have to go through and already going through- I can’t imagine the stress, anxiety, and fear she is facing. It is also stressful to have to think about how O his brother and his sister could have the BRCA gene (praying they are all negative)- which means our children could have the gene. I have not been tested yet and do not think I want to get tested until after I have children. But that story is for another post.

Considering our current situation, we have paused some of the wedding planning. I am still doing stuff here and there so I do not get too far behind, but overall there is no wedding talk, for good reason. Right now, the only thing that matters is that O’s mom is healthy and happy. So until then we will keep the wedding planning to a minimum.

My apologies for an extra sad post today. Positive thoughts and vibes are welcomed.

 

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Birthday.

On Friday I turned 27 years old. There is that age old question, “do you feel different?” Well no, I do not feel different. In fact, I have been feeling this way on my birthday for eight years now. It is beyond crazy to me that my mom has now been gone for eight birthdays! I missed her, as I do every day, and I decided to visit her grave. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining and the weather was finally warm enough for shorts! I laid on the grass, absorbed the sun, and thought about sweet birthday memories I shared with my mom. I did not want to be sad on my birthday, though sometimes it is hard to control your feelings, as I am sure you know. Sitting at her gravesite gave me the opportunity to reflect and be thankful for the birthdays we did have together. I was in a nasty mood for most of the morning, but after having that time, my mood lifted. I felt better and more connected with her. I just needed to take a moment to reconnect.

I took the day off school and decided it was going to be a *ME* day. I had nothing planned, so as I was sitting watching Teen Wolf relaxing I decided time to catch up with some vendors, book some new ones, and try to get some addresses for my guest list.

Oren and I had our engagement photos on last Sunday. We have a wonderful photographer who is personable and does AMAZING work. We started at Krohn Conservatory which is a beautiful place in Cincinnati to take some pictures. Since it was the end of March, we did not have the best weather. Luckily, it was sunny without a cloud in the sky, but Spring had not sprung yet, and I wanted some color in my pictures! So we went to Krohn to get that effect. It was crowded but very fun and she got some great shots (from what I saw)!

We then hopped into my car and drove downtown. I wanted some pictures of Music Hall. This is a famous building in Cincinnati that hosts the Symphony, the Cincinnati Pops, Opera, among other things. Since it was a Sunday, we could not get inside, but Laura, being a creative genius, used the building and it’s beautiful architecture to capture some gorgeous photos. We then drove downtown and parked at our future venue (love it!) and took some pictures in front of the fountain in the middle of our downtown square.

Laura and I spoke on the phone a couple days before the engagement-shoot and she told me it would be highly unlikely that the fountain would be on since it was so cold outside. I told her that I would still like to drive by it to double check if it was on or off. Either that night or the next, I had a dream that Oren and I were taking our photos in front of the flowing fountain. I knew that dream was foreseeing the future. So, when Laura said maybe we should skip the fountain because it was very chilly outside, I refused to give in telling her I knew it would be on. As we walked around the corner, it was on! We got some great photos in front of the fountain, something I really wanted since during our winter wedding, it most likely will be off. I did not take this sign lightly. I believe that was a little gift sent from above. 

The whole experience was awesome and we are so lucky to be working with Laura. We can not wait to see the final product. We check her blog daily!

On Friday, I booked lighting for my venue, made an appointment with my second bakery for the cake (did not like the first one!) , and requested a proposal for my make-up. I am moving right along with the planning. However, through the process, I still feel frustrated that I am doing it alone. I am becoming overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done. I am 9 months away from my date, but that does not make this experience less stressful or sad. I know it’s not right around the corner, but it is going faster than I thought possible.

Where were you 9 months out from your wedding? I have no clue if I am even on track! Thankfully, it hasn’t haunted my dreams yet…

Distracted.

You know that feeling when everything around you is moving quickly but you feel like your moving in slow motion? That’s how this past week has been for me. To respect the people I love I have to refrain from explaining what put me in slow motion, but I need to express my feelings associated with it.

This week I found out some very troubling news that has shook my world. More importantly, it has shook those I love even more and there is little I can do. Wedding planning has been put on hold for now, until the storm passes. I am confident that this storm will pass, and that everything will be okay in the end. However, in the meantime I feel lost in my life. I do not know where to go from here. Someone close to me has fallen ill, and right now it does not seem right to even continue planning my wedding.

It does not seem appropriate to talk about the wedding when we have a lot of other things happening in our world. I do not want to bring it up, but considering I am the only one planning it, I do not want to fall behind. There are many things I have to do but right now, but the wedding is on the back burner, as it should be.

I’ve been thinking about my Mom a lot in the past few days. I have cried more this week than I have all of March. I have felt lost, tired, anxious, scared, and continue to think how much easier this and all situations would be with her by my side. I try to imagine what my Mom would say to me in a time like this. I like to imagine her voice giving me her advice. But even then, I become upset because how the hell do I know what her opinion would be? I mean, it has been nearly 8 years since I have heard her voice. And even then, it was not her normal voice.

Dealing with stress and anxiety is already a very hard thing to do, but more so, how do you do it without your Mom? Does anyone out there have tips or advice on how I can get through a difficult situation without my Mom, the one person who I believe will make things more clear and easier during this time?

I am tired of being told I am strong, I am even more tired of being strong. For once, I want to be me. I want to have no situations in my life that require me to be strong for others, that require me to hold me head up high. I want zero conflict, zero problems. Is that too much to ask?

Why the fuck is life so unfair?

I apologize for the use of my foul language, but I can not keep it in anymore. I am angry. I am mad as hell at the Universe. Where is the peace?

My Mom use to tell me I was a stressed baby, even in the womb. During labor, my heart rate dropped. The umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck. They needed to do an emergency C-Section. There is it. Before I even entered this world, drama was associated with me. Now almost 27 years old, it’s one thing after another. Will it ever stop? Will I ever have peace? Will I ever go one day without anxiety?

I needed to vent. As you can see, I am distracted. I can’t even think about the wedding right now. But what I do think about is, would it have been better to just elope?