Distracted.

You know that feeling when everything around you is moving quickly but you feel like your moving in slow motion? That’s how this past week has been for me. To respect the people I love I have to refrain from explaining what put me in slow motion, but I need to express my feelings associated with it.

This week I found out some very troubling news that has shook my world. More importantly, it has shook those I love even more and there is little I can do. Wedding planning has been put on hold for now, until the storm passes. I am confident that this storm will pass, and that everything will be okay in the end. However, in the meantime I feel lost in my life. I do not know where to go from here. Someone close to me has fallen ill, and right now it does not seem right to even continue planning my wedding.

It does not seem appropriate to talk about the wedding when we have a lot of other things happening in our world. I do not want to bring it up, but considering I am the only one planning it, I do not want to fall behind. There are many things I have to do but right now, but the wedding is on the back burner, as it should be.

I’ve been thinking about my Mom a lot in the past few days. I have cried more this week than I have all of March. I have felt lost, tired, anxious, scared, and continue to think how much easier this and all situations would be with her by my side. I try to imagine what my Mom would say to me in a time like this. I like to imagine her voice giving me her advice. But even then, I become upset because how the hell do I know what her opinion would be? I mean, it has been nearly 8 years since I have heard her voice. And even then, it was not her normal voice.

Dealing with stress and anxiety is already a very hard thing to do, but more so, how do you do it without your Mom? Does anyone out there have tips or advice on how I can get through a difficult situation without my Mom, the one person who I believe will make things more clear and easier during this time?

I am tired of being told I am strong, I am even more tired of being strong. For once, I want to be me. I want to have no situations in my life that require me to be strong for others, that require me to hold me head up high. I want zero conflict, zero problems. Is that too much to ask?

Why the fuck is life so unfair?

I apologize for the use of my foul language, but I can not keep it in anymore. I am angry. I am mad as hell at the Universe. Where is the peace?

My Mom use to tell me I was a stressed baby, even in the womb. During labor, my heart rate dropped. The umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck. They needed to do an emergency C-Section. There is it. Before I even entered this world, drama was associated with me. Now almost 27 years old, it’s one thing after another. Will it ever stop? Will I ever have peace? Will I ever go one day without anxiety?

I needed to vent. As you can see, I am distracted. I can’t even think about the wedding right now. But what I do think about is, would it have been better to just elope?

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One thought on “Distracted.

  1. Elizabeth

    I just stumbled upon your blog in looking for some peace or anything close to that as I am a motherless bride myself. My mom died in 2006 as well – November 26th to be exact after a fairly short battle with stage 4 lung cancer. My dad has also passed – June 26th of 2003. I am now 29. When my mom died I immediately became the legal guardian of my then 12 year old sister, who I literally feel like is the only reason I am still alive today. She and I raised one another, maybe me with a bit more of a “mother” role because that happens when you are 8 years older than your sibling. I don’t remember where I was going with this comment except to maybe say thank you. You’ll never know how comforting it is to finally find a wedding blog that I can actually relate to. Thank you!

    Reply

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