Monthly Archives: May 2014

“Plenty of Time”

It’s like clockwork. I am asked how wedding planning is going by family, friends, and acquaintances on a regular basis. It is sweet for people to think of me and ask how the wedding planning is progressing. I answer by telling them that I have most of my major vendors, little things here and there completed, and that my biggest concern is finding a wedding cake. (Backstory: My wedding is very kosher, so not only does my cake have to be parve, it also has to be baked in a kosher kitchen, with kosher ingredients, AND supervised by a rabbi. Not so simple.) When explaining this to people they say “Oh! Don’t worry, you have plenty of time!”

Plenty of time? Usually a bride would answer with a smile and say “yeah, you’re right!” However, this is not how I feel on the inside. I may present myself with a smile, agreeing with their belief I have plenty of time, but on the inside I want to shred them a part. Harsh? Maybe. But to continually hear that I have plenty of time from people who have no idea what is going on in my life or do know what is going on but choose to ignore it, is becoming frustrating.

They are right. My wedding is in January 2015. For most brides, they would have plenty of time to figure out all the details. However, in my case, I am doing this (for the most part) alone. I would have plenty of time if my mom was here helping me get everything organized. I would have plenty of time if I was not a full time student, with two jobs, and planning another major event set to take place a month after my wedding for the University I work for. However, that is not the case. I do not have plenty of time. I only have a week off from school until I go back for summer classes and start my summer internship. I do not have a mom who is able to call a million different bakeries in different cities seeing if they are supervised kosher. I do not have my mom here to calm me down and help me with every little detail. I might have time, but not plenty. From my perspective, I have less than 8 months to get everything planned and organized on top of the other responsibilities I am tied too and I am doing it all without the support of my mom.

I realize I complain a lot. I do not want to be a debbie downer. It is hard to change the way I feel planning this wedding without my mom. It is harder to plan it when I am surrounded by people who do not know what it is like to be doing this without my mom. Not just on a task level, but on an emotional level.

Today I went to the tailor where I sent my mom’s dress. Her dress is from 1983, so it was pretty outdated and dare I say, hideous? I knew I wanted to use it in some way or another. I decided to have them cut the neckline into a sweetheart shape. They added straps, and next the are going to shorten the skirt. It is going to be my party dress. I will wear my beautiful wedding gown until 10 pm and then will change into my mom’s dress. It is another way I can honor her. 

When I tried it on, I started crying. For so many reasons. 1: I wish she was here to see how beautiful it turned out. 2: I wish I could know her reaction to the decision I made to reconstruct the dress. 3: I just wish she was here with me. 

It is obvious the fact that being a motherless bride is upsetting and frustrating. I have come to realize one of the hardest aspects of planning your wedding without your mom is not having someone come to every appointment with you. I am constantly having to ask aunts and friends to come with me, and when I have multiple appointments in a week, I usually just go to some of them alone.

I have started feeling guilty when asking someone to come with me to multiple appointments in one week. When you have your mother, I assume that they attend every appointment with you. And how could you feel guilty about asking your mom to attend the multiple wedding appointments you have scheduled? You wouldn’t, because thats what a mom wants to do for their daughter. They want to be involved in the wedding planning process, help pick out decorations, find a cake, see you in their dress, even the dress you picked out to be your wedding gown. I cried multiple times today while trying my dress on for the first time since it arrived in the salon, and while trying on her dress, the dress I plan to wear later in the night for the reception. 

How do I get over this guilt I feel every time I need to go to an appointment. Sometimes it’s better to go alone and deal with my feelings, not be guilty, and just get it done than having someone with me who does not understand the pain I feel doing this all without my mom. It’s hard because to them, she isn’t a necessity, but to me she is all I need and want during this process and in life.

Motherless brides: Who goes with you to all your appointments? Do you ever feel bad constantly asking people to attend appointments with you?

I thought it would get easier as the planning process continued but am finding that it is only getting harder.

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15 Ways to Show Your Love for Mom on Your Wedding Day

It’s been a while. School is wrapping up and being in a Master’s program is no joke. I have had more assignments due the past two weeks than should be legal! Thankfully, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and only have two more papers before I am home free… for a week.

I check my email probably five times every hour. I am obsessed. Being in school, I always need to be on top of my emails. I might receive an important email from a colleague, an instructor, or a student that I need to respond to quickly. I usually have no problem with checking my email so frequently on a daily basis. In fact, I love doing it because I feel accomplished when I can get through all my emails and organize them in their designated folders, leaving a clean inbox. In grad school, it has sort of become an obsession.

However lately I am dreading opening my email inbox. For the past 3-4 weeks all my emails have been overflowing about buying mom the perfect mothers day gift. Over and over I am seeing different subject lines like “Surprise mom with the gift she always wanted” or “Your mom will just love what’s inside this email”. I find myself getting angry at the emails. Yeah, sure, they do not know my mom has been gone for eight years, but really, there should be a button one can click to let these retailers know that they are wasting their time trying to sell me mother’s day gifts.

So for weeks, not only have I been enduring the Facebook and instagram posts about how lucky people are to have their mom’s (and yeah, they really are) or the commercials on television, the ads before my youtube videos, and the grocery store advertisements, I have had to go into my email on a daily basis and delete the mother’s day emails. At first it sucks a lot. But after almost 25 days of it, I am becoming numb.

And then I opened my email yesterday. It was an email from Weddingwire.com.  I am using their website as my planning guide and my website builder. I like the layout of the website better than the Knot. Anyways, I opened my email and the email from Weddingwire.com said “15 ways to show your love for mom on your wedding day”. I thought, ‘finally! Wedding wire is acknowledging how to honor moms who are no longer around on my wedding day. FINALLY!!!’

Well, I opened the email and it was not about showing your love for a mother who has passed. It was all about what you can do in your wedding to show love to your mom who is still with you. “Wear her veil, giver her flowers, let her get ready with you”. Okay, I get it. My mom won’t be here to do that. Thanks for the reminder.

I realize other people need to celebrate their moms, and I am one bitter motherless bride/daughter. However, could you blame me? Our society is obsessed with the mother/daughter relationship during weddings. I am so over it. It just reminds me how much I am missing out on having my mom with me.

In wedding news: I picked out my Save the Dates! It took a while. I asked for advice from my friends, future sister in law, future mother in law, aunt and cousin. Finally, my aunt and cousin helped me figure it out. My aunt was my Mom’s best friend back in the day, and even introduced her brother and my aunt to each other! My mom was such a match maker… a few other couples have my mom to thank for their love too! Anyways, my aunt and cousin helped narrow it down and I love their style so I am thankful for their love and support. My aunt also said she wanted to be with me when we went to the bridal registry and for picking out invitations. I am thankful for her help in those areas because frankly, I would be lost!!

I still have a lot to do, but at the same time I have a lot done. I booked make-up a couple weeks ago and our engagement pictures came out beautifully!!! We are going to send an announcement out in the paper soon using one of the photos. I need to take care of the cake and the ceremony music, both are taking me so long to find! I just want it to be perfect…

All my bridesmaids except 2 have their dresses so I am on track with that. They have one more month to get on it and I think my future sister in law and I are going together next week. That will be a stress I will be glad to check off!

Update on my future mother in law. She is great! She had her surgery, everything went well! No cancer in her lymph nodes thank goodness! She is healing beautifully and right now we are waiting to see what treatment she has to do! So far we have only been receiving good news -besides the fact she was diagnosed- but at least only good things have been associated with it!

Overall, I am stressed and anxious dealing with school, wedding, and finally personal life issues. I am lucky to have such great friends helping me out, and that my aunt had stepped in to help me out. I am very thankful for her. My fiancé is pretty amazing too. He is a great emotional support system to me, even though he is dealing with his own worries with his mom’s cancer. It’s good to know we work well together in very stressful times. I picked the right one!