“Plenty of Time”

It’s like clockwork. I am asked how wedding planning is going by family, friends, and acquaintances on a regular basis. It is sweet for people to think of me and ask how the wedding planning is progressing. I answer by telling them that I have most of my major vendors, little things here and there completed, and that my biggest concern is finding a wedding cake. (Backstory: My wedding is very kosher, so not only does my cake have to be parve, it also has to be baked in a kosher kitchen, with kosher ingredients, AND supervised by a rabbi. Not so simple.) When explaining this to people they say “Oh! Don’t worry, you have plenty of time!”

Plenty of time? Usually a bride would answer with a smile and say “yeah, you’re right!” However, this is not how I feel on the inside. I may present myself with a smile, agreeing with their belief I have plenty of time, but on the inside I want to shred them a part. Harsh? Maybe. But to continually hear that I have plenty of time from people who have no idea what is going on in my life or do know what is going on but choose to ignore it, is becoming frustrating.

They are right. My wedding is in January 2015. For most brides, they would have plenty of time to figure out all the details. However, in my case, I am doing this (for the most part) alone. I would have plenty of time if my mom was here helping me get everything organized. I would have plenty of time if I was not a full time student, with two jobs, and planning another major event set to take place a month after my wedding for the University I work for. However, that is not the case. I do not have plenty of time. I only have a week off from school until I go back for summer classes and start my summer internship. I do not have a mom who is able to call a million different bakeries in different cities seeing if they are supervised kosher. I do not have my mom here to calm me down and help me with every little detail. I might have time, but not plenty. From my perspective, I have less than 8 months to get everything planned and organized on top of the other responsibilities I am tied too and I am doing it all without the support of my mom.

I realize I complain a lot. I do not want to be a debbie downer. It is hard to change the way I feel planning this wedding without my mom. It is harder to plan it when I am surrounded by people who do not know what it is like to be doing this without my mom. Not just on a task level, but on an emotional level.

Today I went to the tailor where I sent my mom’s dress. Her dress is from 1983, so it was pretty outdated and dare I say, hideous? I knew I wanted to use it in some way or another. I decided to have them cut the neckline into a sweetheart shape. They added straps, and next the are going to shorten the skirt. It is going to be my party dress. I will wear my beautiful wedding gown until 10 pm and then will change into my mom’s dress. It is another way I can honor her. 

When I tried it on, I started crying. For so many reasons. 1: I wish she was here to see how beautiful it turned out. 2: I wish I could know her reaction to the decision I made to reconstruct the dress. 3: I just wish she was here with me. 

It is obvious the fact that being a motherless bride is upsetting and frustrating. I have come to realize one of the hardest aspects of planning your wedding without your mom is not having someone come to every appointment with you. I am constantly having to ask aunts and friends to come with me, and when I have multiple appointments in a week, I usually just go to some of them alone.

I have started feeling guilty when asking someone to come with me to multiple appointments in one week. When you have your mother, I assume that they attend every appointment with you. And how could you feel guilty about asking your mom to attend the multiple wedding appointments you have scheduled? You wouldn’t, because thats what a mom wants to do for their daughter. They want to be involved in the wedding planning process, help pick out decorations, find a cake, see you in their dress, even the dress you picked out to be your wedding gown. I cried multiple times today while trying my dress on for the first time since it arrived in the salon, and while trying on her dress, the dress I plan to wear later in the night for the reception. 

How do I get over this guilt I feel every time I need to go to an appointment. Sometimes it’s better to go alone and deal with my feelings, not be guilty, and just get it done than having someone with me who does not understand the pain I feel doing this all without my mom. It’s hard because to them, she isn’t a necessity, but to me she is all I need and want during this process and in life.

Motherless brides: Who goes with you to all your appointments? Do you ever feel bad constantly asking people to attend appointments with you?

I thought it would get easier as the planning process continued but am finding that it is only getting harder.

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2 thoughts on ““Plenty of Time”

  1. Elizabeth

    Hi there,
    I had the same feelings of guilt at first. I asked bridesmaids, friends, family members. I just tried to spread the responsibilities among different people so I wouldn’t feel like a burden. What I found was, just as our moms would have loved to be there with us, so do the other people who love us. They want to see us happy and they want to see is enjoy this process too. It is so hard to not be able to talk to her about the dress, shoes, hair, etc but hopefully, deep down somewhere, you know with 100% certainty that she would have loved everything that you picked because it makes you happy. I am winding down the planning process and the wedding is a little over 2 months away. I try each day to find joy in each wedding task, as I would have if my mom was here with me. I don’t want to miss out and look back and wish i would have enjoyed it more. Take it day by day and remember all of the people who want to see you happy and want to help!

    Reply
  2. Connie

    I’ve just started my planning so haven’t made any appointments yet for anything, but I’ve already begun to feel guilty for even thinking of asking someone to come with me when I do have them. I feel guilty for sharing some of my thoughts, ideas, or plans with people, especially since since some of them just finished wrapping up a wedding (my fiance proposed at this wedding). I know I shouldn’t feel that way…after all…it was the bride’s idea for him to propose there, but still. I don’t know how to turn it off :/

    Reply

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