Tag Archives: grief

It’s the little things…

This past weekend my older cousin got married. It is surreal as we have gone through this planning process together, almost since the very beginning. She became engaged July 2013, and myself in November. When I became engaged, we shared everything about our wedding planning. We gave advice on vendors, decorations, cute ideas to make our weddings unique. We have very different taste (both very good taste if I may say so myself) so neither of us were worried the other one would “steal” anything. It was a dream being engaged and planning a wedding at the same time as my cousin. The only thing we did not share- me having my Mom.

My aunt (her mom) has been more than helpful during my process. I am forever grateful for her advice, guidance, and help. I am very lucky. Her mom and my mom had always been good friends. My mom set her and my uncle up (my uncle was my moms brother- or is it is? Are they still brother and sister if my mom is gone?). My aunt has always been like a second mom to me, so it seems very natural that she is helping me through this wedding planning process.

Though this weekend was amazing in so many ways- the bride looked absolutely stunning, the couple looked amazingly happy, the party and ceremony were so perfect- it reminded me, frequently, of my mother’s absence. Even more so, it reminded me that my mother would be absent on my wedding day.

There is something about family functions- whether it be a wedding, holiday, or just a regular family dinner- that makes the absence of my mom more real. When we take a picture of the girls, it often runs through my head that I am the only girl from my immediate family that is representing my family. I do not have any sisters, and I do not have my mom. I am alone in a sense. This goes through my mind every single time we take an all girls picture. Maybe even more than that…

Furthermore, I am pretty sure me and my family feel her absence more than anyone else. I mean why would that not be the case? This weekend as my aunt was preparing everything for her daughter, as my aunts friends were pitching in to help out their friend, I could not help but think of my situation. Who would be there for me? What friends would bring us lunch to help the flow of the nail appointments? Who is going to help me with my dress, veil, and anything else I may need? It became very real, very fast that not only is my mom absent for the wedding planning, she will also be absent for the day of the wedding.

I know what you’re thinking. How could I possibly not think about this before? Good question. I guess I thought about it, but being in my cousins wedding and seeing all the effort my aunt put into making her daughters weekend perfect, made it more real than it has ever been before. My wedding is not far away, and I am becoming increasingly nervous and hesitant for it to come. Not because I am unsure of the man I am marrying- that is one of the things I am sure about in my life. It is because I do not want to feel the pain of having her absence on that day. I do not want to do everything on my own (but I already am, so what is the difference?). I will probably order lunch for the girls when we get our nails done, I will probably dress myself, I will probably do the things my aunt did for her daughter, for myself. Because, who else is there?

I am not throwing myself a pity party over here. You are probably thinking- well your aunt will help you, duh. Okay, that is fair. However, the loss of my mom is so strong and present, that I do not know if her help, or her presence will even do much for me the day of my wedding.

I should have eloped…

Birthday.

On Friday I turned 27 years old. There is that age old question, “do you feel different?” Well no, I do not feel different. In fact, I have been feeling this way on my birthday for eight years now. It is beyond crazy to me that my mom has now been gone for eight birthdays! I missed her, as I do every day, and I decided to visit her grave. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining and the weather was finally warm enough for shorts! I laid on the grass, absorbed the sun, and thought about sweet birthday memories I shared with my mom. I did not want to be sad on my birthday, though sometimes it is hard to control your feelings, as I am sure you know. Sitting at her gravesite gave me the opportunity to reflect and be thankful for the birthdays we did have together. I was in a nasty mood for most of the morning, but after having that time, my mood lifted. I felt better and more connected with her. I just needed to take a moment to reconnect.

I took the day off school and decided it was going to be a *ME* day. I had nothing planned, so as I was sitting watching Teen Wolf relaxing I decided time to catch up with some vendors, book some new ones, and try to get some addresses for my guest list.

Oren and I had our engagement photos on last Sunday. We have a wonderful photographer who is personable and does AMAZING work. We started at Krohn Conservatory which is a beautiful place in Cincinnati to take some pictures. Since it was the end of March, we did not have the best weather. Luckily, it was sunny without a cloud in the sky, but Spring had not sprung yet, and I wanted some color in my pictures! So we went to Krohn to get that effect. It was crowded but very fun and she got some great shots (from what I saw)!

We then hopped into my car and drove downtown. I wanted some pictures of Music Hall. This is a famous building in Cincinnati that hosts the Symphony, the Cincinnati Pops, Opera, among other things. Since it was a Sunday, we could not get inside, but Laura, being a creative genius, used the building and it’s beautiful architecture to capture some gorgeous photos. We then drove downtown and parked at our future venue (love it!) and took some pictures in front of the fountain in the middle of our downtown square.

Laura and I spoke on the phone a couple days before the engagement-shoot and she told me it would be highly unlikely that the fountain would be on since it was so cold outside. I told her that I would still like to drive by it to double check if it was on or off. Either that night or the next, I had a dream that Oren and I were taking our photos in front of the flowing fountain. I knew that dream was foreseeing the future. So, when Laura said maybe we should skip the fountain because it was very chilly outside, I refused to give in telling her I knew it would be on. As we walked around the corner, it was on! We got some great photos in front of the fountain, something I really wanted since during our winter wedding, it most likely will be off. I did not take this sign lightly. I believe that was a little gift sent from above. 

The whole experience was awesome and we are so lucky to be working with Laura. We can not wait to see the final product. We check her blog daily!

On Friday, I booked lighting for my venue, made an appointment with my second bakery for the cake (did not like the first one!) , and requested a proposal for my make-up. I am moving right along with the planning. However, through the process, I still feel frustrated that I am doing it alone. I am becoming overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done. I am 9 months away from my date, but that does not make this experience less stressful or sad. I know it’s not right around the corner, but it is going faster than I thought possible.

Where were you 9 months out from your wedding? I have no clue if I am even on track! Thankfully, it hasn’t haunted my dreams yet…

The Weather.

I am having a January wedding. In a previous post I explained all the reasons why. I am very excited about my winter wedding. However, one thing has been on my mind; the weather.

I know I cannot control the weather, especially for a January wedding. This past Martin Luther King Jr. weekend it was snowy in Cincinnati, all weekend long. It snowed all day on the 17th (my wedding date) and looked like a winter wonderland! This gave me anxiety. I know another couple who were married on the 17th this year, and a lot of their guests did not come because of the weather. My biggest worry! Can you imagine putting all that planning, money, and effort into planning a wedding and then have half of your guests not show up because of a snow storm?! The worst! So as you can imagine, I am pretty obsessed with the weather. I have always been a little over concerned with the weather, especially during tornado season in Ohio.

Yesterday, my fiancé, Oren, had a friend over the house who was in town for work. During our conversation I brought up the weather and how cold it is for March. We started talking about the crazy weather conditions of 2013-2014 thus far and eventually got on the topic of our wedding. I confessed my worries about the weather and people missing the wedding as a result. Oren’s friend, being the nice guy he is, said:

“Don’t worry about the weather and people missing the wedding. The most important part of getting married is having both your parents there and both of Oren’s parents there. A long as you have that, you don’t need to worry about anyone else.”

I smiled. He obviously forgot, or didn’t know, that my mom passed away. Oren and I glanced at each other and smiled. Neither of us wanted to make him feel awkward in our home, and we mutually agreed (without words) that we would not correct him. I knew that correcting him would make him feel awkward, just when I tell people I am planning my wedding alone because my Mom passed away; awkward.

Oren’s friends statement made me think. He assumed my mom was alive, just like everyone does. That I can’t blame anyone for. I am (almost) 27, of course it is more normal for me to have a Mom than not. I started thinking about what his statement meant. He said that the weather was not as important because we would have our parents there, and that is the important part. I agree, having my Dad and Oren’s parents there is very important. However, I can’t help but think that I am not even going to have the most important part of my wedding completed.

I will be missing someone who cannot be replaced. Oren is missing the opportunity to ever meet my Mother. He will never have a mother-in-law. We will both be missing someone very special on our wedding day, actually, multiple people.

Oren’s friends statement made me feel pretty sad for a little, even though I masked my sadness with a smile. At the moment, I have found no comfort knowing that not all four of the most important people in Oren and my life will be there. As I try to maneuver between these feelings, I think I will just focus on the weather.

 

“Missing someone isn’t about how long it has been since you’ve seen them, or the amount of time since you’ve talked. It’s about that very moment when you’re doing something and realize you wish they were right there by your side.”

Someone posted this in a group I belong to on Facebook. It spoke to me, so I thought I’d share it.