Tag Archives: mom

Four months to go…

I can’t believe it. Only four months until I say “I do” to the man I love. I have become lazy with my blogging unfortunately. Life became busy and for a bit I forgot that I had created this blog. I think that I forgot about it mostly because I have been dealing with the absence of my mom better than ever since getting engaged.

It is weird to think I have not had extreme heartbreak in the past couple months. Of course I miss my mom and her presence. Not a second (literally, not one second) goes by that I do not miss my mom. My heart constantly aches for her. Though this is true, I have come to a point during this process where I no longer feel sorry for myself. My mothers absence is what it is. I can’t change it so it’s better that I embrace it, however that may be. In addition, my family and friends are being so helpful to me. They are giving advice and pitching in when I need it the most. I have stopped thinking silly thoughts of people becoming sick of my wedding talk (though I guarentee there are some people who just want me to shut up). I am embracing people’s advice and help and I have stopped feeling guilty. Let’s be real, my mom would want me to get help rather than try to be superwoman and do everything alone. Though, don’t get it wrong, this wedding is basically being planned 99% by yours truly.

I have done a lot in the past few months. My aunt took O and I to register! It was SO tiring. I could not believe how much energy it takes to register. We had to stop midway through. I was becoming hangry (hungry + angry), and really, how much can one register for in one day? A few weeks later, I finished registering online. That was a great decision. I am happy with everything we registered for and have my fingers crossed for a few specific items! One thing I think I should invent from all this- a way to prioritize your registry. I love everything on my registry, but I wish there was a way I could prioritize the items so I definitely get some things, and if I don’t get others, it would not be the end of the world… Oh well. Another project for another year! (Don’t take my idea!)

The save the dates were sent out, but not without a hassle. Boy, did we learn what we DO NOT want to do for the wedding invitations. With headaches and hours spent on labeling, stamping, and stuffing, we are happy that part is finished. It was wonderful to receive the multiple calls and texts about how much people loved our save the dates 🙂

The flower girls dresses are picked out. I am very happy with what we picked out! They are so cute on my nieces and cousin and I can’t wait for them to walk down the aisle and be princesses!

Of course we finished other super important wedding tasks; we added two more musicians to our band making it a 9 piece band, we locked in the lighting contract, the ceremony musician, the cake baker, and had the tasting for the reception! It feels amazing to have so much done. I am working on little things here and there but am happy to say am a lot less stressed than I was before. It’s coming together, as it should be! Remember people, only four more months!! No more “plenty of time” comments 🙂

Though I am emotionally stable with the fact my mother is absent from this time in my life (as of now, who knows when that could change. Seriously, it’s like a switch of a button- as I am sure you know), I am still wondering how I am going to be on the wedding day, or the wedding weekend I should say. I hope I am able to keep it together but also will give myself the freedom to feel what I need to feel. I am never one who holds back my feelings. I know how important it is for myself to experience all the emotions happening in my heart and head.

On September 26th, it will be the 8th anniversary of my mother’s passing. It is so weird. On one hand, 8 years does not seem like a long time at all. One the other hand, it seems like it was so long ago. It is difficult as there are things about my mom that I do not remember. If I try hard I might be able to remember them. I can hear her saying “Sarah” but when I try to remember her voice in other ways, I can’t seem to hear it in my head. I wish for the nights I can dream of her again. Maybe with my wedding coming up she will come to me again in my dreams. I could only be so lucky.

I want to end this post on a very very happy note. Three weeks ago O and I became aunt and uncle X 4. My brother and his wife welcomed a beautiful baby boy into this world. Of course, he was named after my mom. He is beautiful and we all feel so lucky to have this new addition in our family. They live overseas, so I will not meet him until the wedding. That just makes the anticipation for my wedding one trillion times greater.

I promise I will keep up on my writing. Please write to me too! I am honored by those who reply to my posts. I thank those who read my posts and understand the pain I am going through. I think of you often and send my love to you during your own journey.

15 Ways to Show Your Love for Mom on Your Wedding Day

It’s been a while. School is wrapping up and being in a Master’s program is no joke. I have had more assignments due the past two weeks than should be legal! Thankfully, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and only have two more papers before I am home free… for a week.

I check my email probably five times every hour. I am obsessed. Being in school, I always need to be on top of my emails. I might receive an important email from a colleague, an instructor, or a student that I need to respond to quickly. I usually have no problem with checking my email so frequently on a daily basis. In fact, I love doing it because I feel accomplished when I can get through all my emails and organize them in their designated folders, leaving a clean inbox. In grad school, it has sort of become an obsession.

However lately I am dreading opening my email inbox. For the past 3-4 weeks all my emails have been overflowing about buying mom the perfect mothers day gift. Over and over I am seeing different subject lines like “Surprise mom with the gift she always wanted” or “Your mom will just love what’s inside this email”. I find myself getting angry at the emails. Yeah, sure, they do not know my mom has been gone for eight years, but really, there should be a button one can click to let these retailers know that they are wasting their time trying to sell me mother’s day gifts.

So for weeks, not only have I been enduring the Facebook and instagram posts about how lucky people are to have their mom’s (and yeah, they really are) or the commercials on television, the ads before my youtube videos, and the grocery store advertisements, I have had to go into my email on a daily basis and delete the mother’s day emails. At first it sucks a lot. But after almost 25 days of it, I am becoming numb.

And then I opened my email yesterday. It was an email from Weddingwire.com.  I am using their website as my planning guide and my website builder. I like the layout of the website better than the Knot. Anyways, I opened my email and the email from Weddingwire.com said “15 ways to show your love for mom on your wedding day”. I thought, ‘finally! Wedding wire is acknowledging how to honor moms who are no longer around on my wedding day. FINALLY!!!’

Well, I opened the email and it was not about showing your love for a mother who has passed. It was all about what you can do in your wedding to show love to your mom who is still with you. “Wear her veil, giver her flowers, let her get ready with you”. Okay, I get it. My mom won’t be here to do that. Thanks for the reminder.

I realize other people need to celebrate their moms, and I am one bitter motherless bride/daughter. However, could you blame me? Our society is obsessed with the mother/daughter relationship during weddings. I am so over it. It just reminds me how much I am missing out on having my mom with me.

In wedding news: I picked out my Save the Dates! It took a while. I asked for advice from my friends, future sister in law, future mother in law, aunt and cousin. Finally, my aunt and cousin helped me figure it out. My aunt was my Mom’s best friend back in the day, and even introduced her brother and my aunt to each other! My mom was such a match maker… a few other couples have my mom to thank for their love too! Anyways, my aunt and cousin helped narrow it down and I love their style so I am thankful for their love and support. My aunt also said she wanted to be with me when we went to the bridal registry and for picking out invitations. I am thankful for her help in those areas because frankly, I would be lost!!

I still have a lot to do, but at the same time I have a lot done. I booked make-up a couple weeks ago and our engagement pictures came out beautifully!!! We are going to send an announcement out in the paper soon using one of the photos. I need to take care of the cake and the ceremony music, both are taking me so long to find! I just want it to be perfect…

All my bridesmaids except 2 have their dresses so I am on track with that. They have one more month to get on it and I think my future sister in law and I are going together next week. That will be a stress I will be glad to check off!

Update on my future mother in law. She is great! She had her surgery, everything went well! No cancer in her lymph nodes thank goodness! She is healing beautifully and right now we are waiting to see what treatment she has to do! So far we have only been receiving good news -besides the fact she was diagnosed- but at least only good things have been associated with it!

Overall, I am stressed and anxious dealing with school, wedding, and finally personal life issues. I am lucky to have such great friends helping me out, and that my aunt had stepped in to help me out. I am very thankful for her. My fiancĂ© is pretty amazing too. He is a great emotional support system to me, even though he is dealing with his own worries with his mom’s cancer. It’s good to know we work well together in very stressful times. I picked the right one!

 

 

Let’s start from the very beginning.

Motherless Bride. Not a term you hear often. Usually when a woman gets enagaged, she calls her mom right away. They start the planning process, pick a dress, look for venues, decide on dĂ©cor, etc. Being a bride in our society, it is expected for women to have their mothers. But what about the women who have lost their mothers? How do brides prepare for the lack of emotional support? The sadness of not having the woman who brought you into the world help you plan, make hard decisions, and keep others in check? Who is there to back you up and support your crazy ideas? Or, let’s be real, even there to fight with you when you disagree on a minor detail? I am going to be honest. No one can replace your mother when it comes to planning. I have had the support of my cousins and aunts, but they don’t know what it feels like to do this without their mom. No one in my family lost their mother before they were 50, except my Grandmother. Sadly in her case, she is unable to help me for other reasons. My aunts moms were there when they got married, had babies, and bought houses. My mom didn’t even see me graduate from college.

At first the hardest part about getting engaged was knowning that my fiancé would never know my mother. I kept thinking about how much she would love him (because she would) and how much he would love her. I constantly think about the fact that our children will only have one grandmother to be spoiled by. But now I am getting ahead of myself, babies are for later.

It was not until recently where I realized the depth of my pain during this planning process. I got engaged and immediately wanted to call my Dad. I didn’t even think about my Mom. “How could she have forgotten about her mom” you are probably wondering. I didn’t think about the fact I couldn’t share the news with my mom until a couple days later. I am so use to celebrating events without my mom that during the excitement of getting engaged (there was SO MUCH excitement including a surprise engagement party!) it did not occur to me that my mom was missing one of the best moments of my life or that she was going to miss even more.

It was not until I called the venue to book my dream wedding that I started really noticing her absence. This is the venue that my mother and I always talked about when planning my dream wedding. (Yes, we were the mother daughter pair who planned my wedding since I was six. When we found out she was going to pass away, we got out a wedding planning book and wrote down everything she envisioned my wedding to be.) It was really happening, and it was happening without her.

I jumped into wedding planning. Calling vendors, setting up appointments. I picked out my dress 3 weeks after I became engaged. Usually a bride waits a little, but I did not want to waste any time. Subconsciously I wanted to get as much of the planning over with so I did not have to dwell on all the things I had to do without my mom. I made an appointment at a wedding salon my cousin had suggested. Knowing that this was the quintessential “mother daughter” moment of wedding planning, I wanted it to be short and sweet with limited people. However, my family had other plans. After consulting with my aunt it became clear I had to invite everyone or no one. So I invited all 4 of my aunts living in town, one of my cousins, my grandma (mom’s mom), future mother-in-law, and future sister-in-law.  At first I thought having them there was going to make things more difficult, but looking back I am glad they came. They helped support me and were very helpful in the selection process. We had fun, laughed a lot, and I almost forgot I was doing it without my mom.

Then I found my dream dress. I put it on, and started getting teary eyed. I knew what my mom would say about it. She would have loved it. They put on the veil, gave me some shoes, and just like that I found my dress. When I said “yes to my dress” everyone cried. And it was a nice moment. I knew why they were crying, it was the same reason why I was crying. It was not because I found my dress, but because my mom would have loved the dress. It was a nice moment where I could almost feel her presence.

Through this blog I am going to tell my journey of planning my wedding as a motherless bride. I can not promise it will be the best writing or story telling you have ever seen. I can promise that it is real and vulnerable. I am hoping that blogging through this process will not only help me but possibly help others who are experiencing what I am experiencing. Whether you lost your mom to death or because you have lost connection, I hope you find comfort in the journey knowing you are not alone.