The history of Mother’s Day goes like this:
In 1908 Anna Jarvis created Mother’s Day, a day in which was intended to remember and celebrate mother’s who had passed on. It quickly became something she would have never dreamed of – a day for all those who have mother’s that are alive to celebrate. Hallmark picked up on it around 1914 – with the holiday becoming commercialized and formed into something that Anna had not intended – actually something she probably feared. Anna spent the latter part of her life trying to delegitimize Mother’s Day. As you and I know, she was not successful.
When I was little, I use to watch my Mom put on her make-up. I loved to watch her when she put on her foundation, eye shadow, and mascara. She always had her mouth slightly open and would try to talk to me as she was concentrating on her artwork. I would stand there, sometimes sit on the floor, and keep her company. I use to write her post-it notes and leave them by her bed. One of them, I have vivid memories of, said “I want to be just like you when I grow up, but with less make-up. Because you do not need make up, you are beautiful just the way you are and I am like you”.
Literally, the note said that. And I only know this because she taped it onto her nightstand. Maybe it was a note that she loved and cared deeply for. Maybe it was a reminder that she was beautiful and she did not need all that make up. Or maybe it was a way to make me feel special, by showing me that my notes to her meant something.
The irony about this story is now my daughter, aged 2.5 months, watches me do my make up every day . She also asks for it, and I oblige. Obviously I am not really putting make up on her, but I am making her feel special by putting a brush on her face and “applying” make up. I LOVE to do this, and no one can shame me from continuing. It feels natural to tell Eliza she doesn’t need make up, especially at this age. It feels natural to say no and tell her she has the most beautiful skin, lips, and eyes and I do not want to tarnish it with make up. However, this simple act reminds me of experiences I had with my mom. And for that reason, I will continue to do it. Isn’t that crazy? That I know I should not be giving in and “applying” make up on my daughter, but given it is a way for me to connect them to memories I have with my mom, I do it anyways.
I have had 13 motherless mother days. 13 years of going through this weekend without my mom to be there for me to celebrate. Okay, that’s not entirely true. I do celebrate my mom on this day, this weekend. But I meant, actually, 13 years of her not being there to celebrate with me in the flesh. Not having her open cards I would buy her, gifts I would shower her with, spa days I imagine we would take together, and of course, brunch that I would poor my heart and soul into, making her the most delicious foods she could dream of, and letting her sit back and relax all day.
This will be my third Mother’s Day as a mother myself. I have found Mother’s Day to be quite disappointing for the last 13 years. I wonder if my expectations are too high. Maybe since I do not remember what Mothers Days were like with my mother, I think of it as a perfect day with no flaws for everyone else. Or maybe, I am just destined to never have a good Mother’s Day again.
I had 10 Mother’s Days without my mother and not being a mom myself. 10 years of sadness, grief, jealousy, heartache, and anger on a day that was meant to memorialize mothers who had passed on but instead became the opposite. Instead, I felt alone (with all the other motherless daughters and sons) and in despair that I had to go through a weekend that reminded me that much more that my mom is dead.
And then, I had Eliza. When Eliza was born, I had this relief. No more Mother’s Days alone. Of course, I knew my mom’s presence would never be filled and that my heart would still have that sadness. But now I was the mom that was to be celebrated. I have a daughter who will be buying me cards and flowers and wanting to make me breakfast in bed and the whole nine yards. All the sudden, I forgot that Mother’s Day was meant for motherless daughters and sons.
Well, to my surprise and disappointment, Mother’s Day hasn’t gotten any better. Are you surprised? I often forget this. That others who have not lost their parents at a young age have no idea what it is like to live so many sad days without their parent. So why would I believe that anything would change for Mother’s Day now that I have become a mother? Silly me! My first Mothers Day my husband was not in town. Instead of going with the flow, I mourned the fact that my perfect first Mothers Day was not going to happen. I was in a bad mood all day, taking care of my daughter alone when I thought I deserved getting breakfast in bed, sleeping in, and someone pampering me. My second Mothers Day, even though I tried very hard to make brunch plans and other fun plans, no one else wanted to do anything and I spent another Mother’s Day disappointed. And now this year, when I had the control and I was determined to make it my day and not let anyone ruin it, it of course got ruined. Details do not matter because then this post will turn into a bitch session, but let’s just say I am sad, hurt, discouraged, and have no hope that I will ever have a happy Mother’s Day.
While all this craziness happened this morning, I came to the realization that maybe as a motherless daughter, wife, mother, I will never have that perfect Mother’s Day. Maybe this day will no longer have any joy as I no longer have my mom by my side. Maybe it is time for me to let go of this fairy tale idea of Mother’s day I created when my daughter was born.
But for all you who are motherless mothers, Happy Mother’s Day. I truly hope that you are able to find joy in the day somehow. If you haven’t quite yet, I hope it comes in the near future.
We still should celebrate Mother’s Day – as our mother’s deserve the recognition for bringing us into this world – but how much easier it is for that to be said than done?
motherlessbride 