Not again.

I knew the journey of becoming a mother would be a life changing experience.

For 10 years I yearned for a mother and daughter relationship. 22 months ago, I became a mother to the most precious, outgoing, smart, sweet, and beautiful girl. Her name is Eliza Remy. Eliza after my mom, Ellen, and Remy after my paternal grandmother, Reva. Two strong women who I remember often in my thoughts. What better way to honor two women who’s impact in my life is immeasurable?

It has been over two years since I last wrote. The hustle and bustle of life got the best of me, and in all honesty, I forgot a little about this blog. I felt that my motherless bride journey was over and was settling into my motherless wife and motherless mother journey, which also came with losing my beloved Dog, my mom’s dog, Shemmie.

And now, I am a motherless wife and a motherless mother. The journey has been tough but rewarding. I sometimes find myself looking at the sky and asking “Why Gd?!”, sometimes actually expecting an answer. Or other times, I am trying to decide between two things, and I look around me and I say, “Mom, give me a sign to make the right decision”. When there is silence and no signs, I get angry and sad. Not even a sign? Not even the wind blowing or something falling off the shelf? Is she with me? How dare I ask that question, of course she is. Sometimes a sign is not so easy to send.

There have been times when I did receive signs from her, or someone. When I needed my mother desperately and cried out for her. I was given the gift of her in some way, shape, or form. But still, that never seems to be enough. It is not her. That is what I need more than a sign, I NEED HER.

O and I went to a wedding this weekend. I love and hate weddings. It is fun to see good family and friends marry their soulmates. It is lovely to see the sparkle of happiness in their eyes and just know that they are making the right decision for themselves. The evening is often magical, with good food and dancing. I rarely have a bad time at a wedding. But when I do, it is always because of my jealousy. My disgusting, gross jealousy. I have not been able to shake this off for 12 years. I do not know if I ever will. The bride’s mother from the wedding this past weekend is the sweetest soul. She is kind, nurturing, and genuinely cares for her family. She has always been so loving towards me. She never met my Mom. She met me 2 years after my Mom died, so only knew me as a motherless daughter. Even this weekend, she was so gracious towards me.

She was being motherly, because of course. Someone was eating lunch and they were making a mess on their lap. To the rescue, Lori came over with a plate to help with the mess. Someone commented “That is what mother’s are for! To make everything better.” and I thought “Oh, I don’t remember”. Of course my mother made so many things better for me, but in the 12 years she has been gone, I have completely forgotten certain aspects of her. And that fucking sucks.

We arrived home from the wedding in Philly yesterday. We had a whole weekend to ourselves, but honestly spent the majority of time looking at photos of Eliza while we were gone. It’s funny. How can it be that when you are with your child you’re exhausted and yearning for a break, but as soon as you receive that break, all you want is to be with them again? O’s parents had come in town last minute and were able to spend a lot of time with Eliza. It was nice.

They came over to say hi to us yesterday. Everything was normal, we gave hugs and kisses and sat on the couch to relax. The next piece of information was anything but relaxing. My MIL told us that she had just been diagnosed with stage 4 Liver Metastasis. She got stage 1 or 2 breast cancer the year before O and I got married. They treated it diligently and swiftly and none of us thought twice about it. We truly believed we had been so lucky.

I am heartbroken. Not only for my husband and his siblings, but for my beautiful daughter. For my FIL whose life revolves around his wife. For my nieces and nephews who are old enough to understand what is happening, but do not know yet. For myself, for having to go through this all over again. My Mom had this same cancer. She got it 7 years after being in remission from stage 4 breast cancer. And now Maya has it. I can’t imagine having to actually relive this process. Not only with my mother in law, but also with the memories, feelings, and deep rooted grief I still see and feel with my experience 15 years ago. Can I ask the question we are all thinking? Why this? Why again? Why her? Why do bad things happen to good people?

What more can I say? I need to find support groups, through myself into my writing and therapy, and figure out how I can be the best daughter in law, wife, sister in law, and friend. All while maintaining my own sanity surrounding this situation and providing a happy, fun, loving life for my beautiful daughter, my Eliza, named after my Mom.

 

 

 

A bittersweet symphony

Since the last time I wrote (which has been a while, my apologies) a lot has happened in my life, and the life of my family.

Wedding details:
I had my Bachelorette party in New Orleans in October. It was a beautiful time of the year to go, the weather was nice and warm, a nice break from dreary Ohio. Also, I was surrounded by the love of my best friends and family. The weekend was perfect and the only thing I wish I could have changed would be to make it last longer. I had both my bridal showers which were gorgeous and filled with love. However, with the wedding bliss there was also a lot of sadness.

My Aunt Susie, my mother’s only sister, was in and out of the hospital due to heart complications. Before long, it was discovered that she was carrying a rare and mysterious heart disease. Our family was hopeful for a recovery, though we all understood it would not be easy, especially on her. After multiple surgeries that didn’t take, she passed away surrounded by her amazing children, devoted husband, and of course, her two brothers, brother-in-law, and nieces and nephew. I do not want to dwell on that time, as it is something I would not be upset with if I forgot bits and pieces. Like my Mom, I do not want to remember my aunt during her weak times, rather I want to remember her when she was a strong woman, which was the majority of her life.

When my Mom passed away eight years ago, my aunt came to me and hugged me so tight. I remember the moment, the place, even the time of the day this happened. She looked at me and said “I am your surrogate mother, I will be here.” To remember that moment now and it fills my eyes with tears and my heart with sadness. My Aunt Susie and I are both very strong women. So much that when she would give me advice, I would tell her I had it under control and later I would usually take her advice. (For example, she did not like my bolero for my dress, but I told her no way I would change it. I have since decided to not wear the bolero on my wedding day. She was right). In many ways, I was treated like a third daughter. She did not care if I would be upset by her advice, she gave it to me because she thought that was the best thing for me. We did not talk every day, or every week, but when we did talk she would call me and say “Hi Sweetie, what’s going on?” and we would chat about my life, school, O, and most recently the wedding.

My aunt was looking forward to my wedding, and I was looking forward to her being there for me. She was in charge of the gematria, which is adding the numbers of the hebrew alphabet to find meaning in every simcha. She will no longer be able to provide that tradition. As she was in the hospital, she was discussing with others what outfit she was going to wear, and how excited she was. I am my mother’s only daughter, and she knew how important this wedding would have been to my mom. She knew my mom would have taken over and made it the most amazing wedding for me, her little girl. And my aunt wanted to help to make that special in honor of her sister.

In June my aunt called me and asked if I could go to lunch. We met at Parker’s restaurant and talked about everything I still had to do for the wedding. She gave me her advice and then took me on a spontaneous registry spree. We went to Sterling Cut Glass and we registered there. I had no idea what I was doing so I leaned on her to take the lead. She helped me realize what is important to register for and what you should skip. Though I finished registering with the help of my aunt Lisa, my aunt Susie gave me the direction I needed to start it all. Then we made plans to go see my dress that had just come in. We made it a girls day, brought my grandma, cousins Alyce and Layla, and all went down to the bridal salon. We tried on the dress and my aunt let me have a photoshoot with her cell phone. She loved my dress and kept saying over and over “your mother would have just loved this”. I know she was right, because if anyone knew my mother, it was my aunt Susie.

My mom and aunt were best friends. Their relationship made me jealous. I do not have a sister and their tight bond made me long for one. They would laugh for hours and no one would ever know what they were laughing about. They loved taking family vacations together, where they could spend their days together, gossiping, and enjoying the presence of one another. They spoke on the phone more times in a day than could be recorded. Their bond was unbreakable, even when my mom died. My aunt had a difficult time talking about my mom with me, for she could not handle the loss of her baby sister. When she did talk about her though, there was so much pride and love, you could feel it in your bones.

Getting married without my mom was going to be the hardest thing I had ever done. Now, having to get married exactly 2 months after the loss of my aunt, makes me feel so lost. I find myself asking how it is possible to be happy during these times? I am excited to marry the love of my life, a man who is compassionate, hard-working, smart, generous, and handsome. However, the loss feels so overwhelming right now, I am worried about how it will feel on the day. Are others going to be crying because of sadness? Will the day even be happy? The absence of my mother through this experience has been extremely painful. Some days it has been bearable, and others I don’t even want to talk about the wedding because it makes me miserable thinking about doing it without my mom, and now my aunt.

I know I can be negative, but it’s hard being positive when you do not have your mother saying “It’s okay, you’ll get the million of tasks completed in 4 weeks!” or simply helping me get everything completed. Others have offered, and I am so grateful for that. It’s just not the same to do it without your mom, and I guess I would rather do it alone?

My mother and aunt Susie will be honored, along with my grandparents and O’s grandparents at the wedding and in the weekend itself. We will remember them on the wedding day and every day that comes before and every day that follows. And for me, I find some comfort in the fact that their souls will be together surrounding me, Oren, and my family and fill us up with their loving presence. I know they will be there that day, I just wish it could have been different.

Tick tock, the clock won’t stop…

…And boy, am I feeling the pressure! 108 days away from the nuptials of my best friend and so much is finished, but there is so much more to do! I knew wedding planning was an undertaking, but I honestly did not know it would be like this. Then again, I guess my planning experience is out of the ordinary, for some…

It is officially October and I am feeling the pressure. I have made amazing progress this past month! We have picked out the groom and groomsmen tux’s (all black, with cummerbunds and a little hanky to go in their pocket: classy and perfect!!!) selected the invitations, and have finally finished the guest list…!

My mom’s 8 year anniversary for being gone came and passed this Friday, September 26th. I was not as emotional as usual, and I had a hard time with that. I did not stay in bed and cry, or mope around, or eat pizza- my favorite go to. Instead, I socialized with family, got my nails done, and did some homework. Of course, I miss my mother with every inch of my being, but this year her anniversary was different. I could not figure out why, but I came up with a theory. I believe since I have been so emotional planning this wedding weekend and have longed for her presence during this process, her anniversary did not nearly seem as bad as January 17th, 2015 will be. That in itself is sad. I am praying that the day of my wedding, I have my mother in my thoughts and in my heart, but that I am not sad. Right now, that is my biggest fear- focusing more on the absence of my mom on my wedding day, than focusing on the fact that I am starting a life with an amazing man I love.

The invitation process was especially difficult. Seeing the invitations, my dad’s name and my fiancé’s parents names, makes the fact that she is not on it a reality. It was another one of those moments that I realized she REALLY will not be there to see me walk down the aisle. I tear up even thinking about it. My dad asked, when he saw the invitation, if we were going to put her name on the invitation with a z”l (a Jewish way of honoring those passed). Obviously, I would love to have my mom on the invitation, but it is impossible for someone who is not present on this earth to invite guests to a wedding. Etiquette advises against it, and to be truthful, I think seeing the z”l next to her name on the wedding invitation would be more depressing than not having her on the invitation at all.

I leave for my bachlorette party next weekend! We are going to NOLA and I have 10 beautiful, amazing, loving, best friends joining me! I am so surprised so many people signed up, NOLA is not cheap. I am forever grateful for them joining me to celebrate my last wild weekend as a single lady! Conveniently, O, is going on his bachelor party the same weekend as me. He is going to Nashville and I am sure we are both going to have a fun, wild, and amazing time with our best friends. I have been looking forward to this trip since February 2014! FINALLY!

I have been planning final (omg final!?) meetings with vendors. We picked our ceremony music last weekend and in a few weeks will get started on the Band’s playlist. Oren and I are trying to figure out the perfect first dance song- we keep going back and forth. Do you have suggestions? I know that I will be dancing with my Dad to the song “The way you look tonight”. I want to mimic the movie Father of the Bride as much as possible, but unlike the movie, my Dad will dance with me.

I just want to take a moment and thank all those who read this blog. The support and advice you give me does not go unnoticed. I started this blog because there is a lack of resources for motherless brides, and I wanted to share my experiences to possibly help future motherless brides. Your words keep me going through this crazy, insane, wedding planning process.

It’s the little things…

This past weekend my older cousin got married. It is surreal as we have gone through this planning process together, almost since the very beginning. She became engaged July 2013, and myself in November. When I became engaged, we shared everything about our wedding planning. We gave advice on vendors, decorations, cute ideas to make our weddings unique. We have very different taste (both very good taste if I may say so myself) so neither of us were worried the other one would “steal” anything. It was a dream being engaged and planning a wedding at the same time as my cousin. The only thing we did not share- me having my Mom.

My aunt (her mom) has been more than helpful during my process. I am forever grateful for her advice, guidance, and help. I am very lucky. Her mom and my mom had always been good friends. My mom set her and my uncle up (my uncle was my moms brother- or is it is? Are they still brother and sister if my mom is gone?). My aunt has always been like a second mom to me, so it seems very natural that she is helping me through this wedding planning process.

Though this weekend was amazing in so many ways- the bride looked absolutely stunning, the couple looked amazingly happy, the party and ceremony were so perfect- it reminded me, frequently, of my mother’s absence. Even more so, it reminded me that my mother would be absent on my wedding day.

There is something about family functions- whether it be a wedding, holiday, or just a regular family dinner- that makes the absence of my mom more real. When we take a picture of the girls, it often runs through my head that I am the only girl from my immediate family that is representing my family. I do not have any sisters, and I do not have my mom. I am alone in a sense. This goes through my mind every single time we take an all girls picture. Maybe even more than that…

Furthermore, I am pretty sure me and my family feel her absence more than anyone else. I mean why would that not be the case? This weekend as my aunt was preparing everything for her daughter, as my aunts friends were pitching in to help out their friend, I could not help but think of my situation. Who would be there for me? What friends would bring us lunch to help the flow of the nail appointments? Who is going to help me with my dress, veil, and anything else I may need? It became very real, very fast that not only is my mom absent for the wedding planning, she will also be absent for the day of the wedding.

I know what you’re thinking. How could I possibly not think about this before? Good question. I guess I thought about it, but being in my cousins wedding and seeing all the effort my aunt put into making her daughters weekend perfect, made it more real than it has ever been before. My wedding is not far away, and I am becoming increasingly nervous and hesitant for it to come. Not because I am unsure of the man I am marrying- that is one of the things I am sure about in my life. It is because I do not want to feel the pain of having her absence on that day. I do not want to do everything on my own (but I already am, so what is the difference?). I will probably order lunch for the girls when we get our nails done, I will probably dress myself, I will probably do the things my aunt did for her daughter, for myself. Because, who else is there?

I am not throwing myself a pity party over here. You are probably thinking- well your aunt will help you, duh. Okay, that is fair. However, the loss of my mom is so strong and present, that I do not know if her help, or her presence will even do much for me the day of my wedding.

I should have eloped…

Four months to go…

I can’t believe it. Only four months until I say “I do” to the man I love. I have become lazy with my blogging unfortunately. Life became busy and for a bit I forgot that I had created this blog. I think that I forgot about it mostly because I have been dealing with the absence of my mom better than ever since getting engaged.

It is weird to think I have not had extreme heartbreak in the past couple months. Of course I miss my mom and her presence. Not a second (literally, not one second) goes by that I do not miss my mom. My heart constantly aches for her. Though this is true, I have come to a point during this process where I no longer feel sorry for myself. My mothers absence is what it is. I can’t change it so it’s better that I embrace it, however that may be. In addition, my family and friends are being so helpful to me. They are giving advice and pitching in when I need it the most. I have stopped thinking silly thoughts of people becoming sick of my wedding talk (though I guarentee there are some people who just want me to shut up). I am embracing people’s advice and help and I have stopped feeling guilty. Let’s be real, my mom would want me to get help rather than try to be superwoman and do everything alone. Though, don’t get it wrong, this wedding is basically being planned 99% by yours truly.

I have done a lot in the past few months. My aunt took O and I to register! It was SO tiring. I could not believe how much energy it takes to register. We had to stop midway through. I was becoming hangry (hungry + angry), and really, how much can one register for in one day? A few weeks later, I finished registering online. That was a great decision. I am happy with everything we registered for and have my fingers crossed for a few specific items! One thing I think I should invent from all this- a way to prioritize your registry. I love everything on my registry, but I wish there was a way I could prioritize the items so I definitely get some things, and if I don’t get others, it would not be the end of the world… Oh well. Another project for another year! (Don’t take my idea!)

The save the dates were sent out, but not without a hassle. Boy, did we learn what we DO NOT want to do for the wedding invitations. With headaches and hours spent on labeling, stamping, and stuffing, we are happy that part is finished. It was wonderful to receive the multiple calls and texts about how much people loved our save the dates 🙂

The flower girls dresses are picked out. I am very happy with what we picked out! They are so cute on my nieces and cousin and I can’t wait for them to walk down the aisle and be princesses!

Of course we finished other super important wedding tasks; we added two more musicians to our band making it a 9 piece band, we locked in the lighting contract, the ceremony musician, the cake baker, and had the tasting for the reception! It feels amazing to have so much done. I am working on little things here and there but am happy to say am a lot less stressed than I was before. It’s coming together, as it should be! Remember people, only four more months!! No more “plenty of time” comments 🙂

Though I am emotionally stable with the fact my mother is absent from this time in my life (as of now, who knows when that could change. Seriously, it’s like a switch of a button- as I am sure you know), I am still wondering how I am going to be on the wedding day, or the wedding weekend I should say. I hope I am able to keep it together but also will give myself the freedom to feel what I need to feel. I am never one who holds back my feelings. I know how important it is for myself to experience all the emotions happening in my heart and head.

On September 26th, it will be the 8th anniversary of my mother’s passing. It is so weird. On one hand, 8 years does not seem like a long time at all. One the other hand, it seems like it was so long ago. It is difficult as there are things about my mom that I do not remember. If I try hard I might be able to remember them. I can hear her saying “Sarah” but when I try to remember her voice in other ways, I can’t seem to hear it in my head. I wish for the nights I can dream of her again. Maybe with my wedding coming up she will come to me again in my dreams. I could only be so lucky.

I want to end this post on a very very happy note. Three weeks ago O and I became aunt and uncle X 4. My brother and his wife welcomed a beautiful baby boy into this world. Of course, he was named after my mom. He is beautiful and we all feel so lucky to have this new addition in our family. They live overseas, so I will not meet him until the wedding. That just makes the anticipation for my wedding one trillion times greater.

I promise I will keep up on my writing. Please write to me too! I am honored by those who reply to my posts. I thank those who read my posts and understand the pain I am going through. I think of you often and send my love to you during your own journey.

Save the Date

I ordered the save the dates!

They are beautiful and exactly not what I thought I would want. But they are perfect.

O and I have been engaged for 6 months. It seems unreal that for half a year I have been going crazy over a wedding that is still 7 months away. But now we have reached a milestone- we are close enough to start buying the save the dates! I feel like the save the dates are one of the best parts of a wedding. It is a little preview. The save the date is a glimpse of the couples personalities. Save the dates are like previews to a movie. They get you hyped for the fun and entertainment the wedding will provide you in a short amount of time. It is the climax.

Our save the date was not something I expected I would pick. I had spent 2 months looking at save the date templates. I knew I had to have them ordered by the second week of June so I would have 4 weeks to label, stuff, and send them out. Four weeks may sound excessive but when you are working a part time summer internship and enrolled in a qualitative research course the other half of the time, you want to give yourself plenty of time to fall behind. I tend to be courteous to future Sarah.

I had asked friends, family, and O for their suggestions when I was searching for a save the date. Everyone gave me great advice but in the end, O and I made the final decision. We liked how simple and elegant this save the date was. I appreciate having multiple people step up to give me their design advice and suggestions! It was really helpful. I must thank my cousin, my bridesmaid, who’s wedding I will be a bridesmaid in 2 months for providing me so much help, even though she has her own stuff to take care of (and much sooner I might add). I am learning how to ask and stop feeling guilty.

Drumroll please….dadadadaddadadda

We used a picture from our engagement photo session. The photo we picked was one of the first photos I saw, and I knew right away that would be our photo. The best is the story behind the picture. As our photographer was changing settings, O started to pick me up and swing me around, for no reason. Our photographer happened to catch the end of it on film and said “smile!” It was such a spontaneous moment and explains our relationship and us as individuals.

I still have to find a cake baker and ceremony music and I can check my wedding tasks off my list for the month of June! It feels good to be right on schedule.

15 Ways to Show Your Love for Mom on Your Wedding Day

It’s been a while. School is wrapping up and being in a Master’s program is no joke. I have had more assignments due the past two weeks than should be legal! Thankfully, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and only have two more papers before I am home free… for a week.

I check my email probably five times every hour. I am obsessed. Being in school, I always need to be on top of my emails. I might receive an important email from a colleague, an instructor, or a student that I need to respond to quickly. I usually have no problem with checking my email so frequently on a daily basis. In fact, I love doing it because I feel accomplished when I can get through all my emails and organize them in their designated folders, leaving a clean inbox. In grad school, it has sort of become an obsession.

However lately I am dreading opening my email inbox. For the past 3-4 weeks all my emails have been overflowing about buying mom the perfect mothers day gift. Over and over I am seeing different subject lines like “Surprise mom with the gift she always wanted” or “Your mom will just love what’s inside this email”. I find myself getting angry at the emails. Yeah, sure, they do not know my mom has been gone for eight years, but really, there should be a button one can click to let these retailers know that they are wasting their time trying to sell me mother’s day gifts.

So for weeks, not only have I been enduring the Facebook and instagram posts about how lucky people are to have their mom’s (and yeah, they really are) or the commercials on television, the ads before my youtube videos, and the grocery store advertisements, I have had to go into my email on a daily basis and delete the mother’s day emails. At first it sucks a lot. But after almost 25 days of it, I am becoming numb.

And then I opened my email yesterday. It was an email from Weddingwire.com.  I am using their website as my planning guide and my website builder. I like the layout of the website better than the Knot. Anyways, I opened my email and the email from Weddingwire.com said “15 ways to show your love for mom on your wedding day”. I thought, ‘finally! Wedding wire is acknowledging how to honor moms who are no longer around on my wedding day. FINALLY!!!’

Well, I opened the email and it was not about showing your love for a mother who has passed. It was all about what you can do in your wedding to show love to your mom who is still with you. “Wear her veil, giver her flowers, let her get ready with you”. Okay, I get it. My mom won’t be here to do that. Thanks for the reminder.

I realize other people need to celebrate their moms, and I am one bitter motherless bride/daughter. However, could you blame me? Our society is obsessed with the mother/daughter relationship during weddings. I am so over it. It just reminds me how much I am missing out on having my mom with me.

In wedding news: I picked out my Save the Dates! It took a while. I asked for advice from my friends, future sister in law, future mother in law, aunt and cousin. Finally, my aunt and cousin helped me figure it out. My aunt was my Mom’s best friend back in the day, and even introduced her brother and my aunt to each other! My mom was such a match maker… a few other couples have my mom to thank for their love too! Anyways, my aunt and cousin helped narrow it down and I love their style so I am thankful for their love and support. My aunt also said she wanted to be with me when we went to the bridal registry and for picking out invitations. I am thankful for her help in those areas because frankly, I would be lost!!

I still have a lot to do, but at the same time I have a lot done. I booked make-up a couple weeks ago and our engagement pictures came out beautifully!!! We are going to send an announcement out in the paper soon using one of the photos. I need to take care of the cake and the ceremony music, both are taking me so long to find! I just want it to be perfect…

All my bridesmaids except 2 have their dresses so I am on track with that. They have one more month to get on it and I think my future sister in law and I are going together next week. That will be a stress I will be glad to check off!

Update on my future mother in law. She is great! She had her surgery, everything went well! No cancer in her lymph nodes thank goodness! She is healing beautifully and right now we are waiting to see what treatment she has to do! So far we have only been receiving good news -besides the fact she was diagnosed- but at least only good things have been associated with it!

Overall, I am stressed and anxious dealing with school, wedding, and finally personal life issues. I am lucky to have such great friends helping me out, and that my aunt had stepped in to help me out. I am very thankful for her. My fiancé is pretty amazing too. He is a great emotional support system to me, even though he is dealing with his own worries with his mom’s cancer. It’s good to know we work well together in very stressful times. I picked the right one!

 

 

Trouble in Paradise.

Not that we live in paradise. The weather in Ohio is horrible.

One month ago we received a call from O’s Dad. We were at a new restaurant, trying their seafood because we heard it was delicious. We had spent the day hiking together and enjoying the beautiful sunny weather. When we sat down for dinner, O received a call from his dad. What was bizarre about this call is he had tried to call him multiple times, which set an alarm off for both of us. Right away, I knew something was wrong. I did not know the extent of how bad it was, but I could feel it in my veins.

O called his dad back and his dad told O his mom wanted to talk to him. As I looked at O, I saw the muscles in his face fall farther and farther. He covered his eyes with his hand and began rubbing his forehead in a way he only does when he is receiving stressful news. I knew right then that my instincts were right. Something was wrong. After what felt like hours but in actuality was only a 10-15 minute phone call, O said goodbye to his mom. I immediately  asked “What is wrong?!” knowing I did not actually want to hear the bad news.

O told me his mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. My heart stopped. I began to cry knowing I should be strong for Oren in this moment, but I could not control my tears. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 9 years old. I started to tear up asking questions O did not know the answer too. I asked him if we should leave the restaurant, but we had already ordered and we could not exactly take our dinner home (my house is kosher, ironic). We sat at dinner and ate our food quietly, neither of is having anything to say, or having much of an appetite. We left shortly after and went home, a quiet car ride.

Fast forward to today. In the last 3 or 4 weeks we have learned a lot more than we knew that day. We found out she has stage one breast cancer (good) and has the BRCA 2 gene (bad, but BRCA 2 is better than BRCA 1) it hasn’t spread (good) and she is undergoing surgery Monday for a double mastectomy. Since she has the gene, she wanted to do a double mastectomy even though the cancer has not spread. Worth it in my opinion, as she won’t have a reoccurrence down the road. After Monday we will know what treatment she will need to make sure she is clear of the devil, breast cancer.

My feelings have been through the roof. My first priority is O. He has been traveling back and forth from Indiana and Ohio to be with his mom, attend doctor’s appointments, and just support her through this stressful time. I want to make everything okay, but I know that is not possible. He is stressed and anxious as anyone would be in this situation. We try to keep busy but it’s hard to not think about it 24/7.

My mom’s breast cancer took her life. For four years O has been listening to my experiences living with my mom when she was sick and now not living with her at all. I am worried O thinks about my mom when he thinks about his mom’s current situation. I do not bring up my mom’s situation as I want him to know that our mom’s illnesses are very different, even though it is the same disease. My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. The cancer had spread to other parts of her body. She went through a mastectomy, chemo, and was very sick. Once she finally was free of the cancer, she lived 7 years in remission until 2003 when she was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer. Obviously, a blow to our family. She lived 3 more years until she passed away.

O’s mom having breast cancer hits too close to home. I try to remember how different the situations are and try to stay positive for him. I know she will be okay, but the process is still scary as ever. It is very stressful to think of all that she is going to have to go through and already going through- I can’t imagine the stress, anxiety, and fear she is facing. It is also stressful to have to think about how O his brother and his sister could have the BRCA gene (praying they are all negative)- which means our children could have the gene. I have not been tested yet and do not think I want to get tested until after I have children. But that story is for another post.

Considering our current situation, we have paused some of the wedding planning. I am still doing stuff here and there so I do not get too far behind, but overall there is no wedding talk, for good reason. Right now, the only thing that matters is that O’s mom is healthy and happy. So until then we will keep the wedding planning to a minimum.

My apologies for an extra sad post today. Positive thoughts and vibes are welcomed.

 

Birthday.

On Friday I turned 27 years old. There is that age old question, “do you feel different?” Well no, I do not feel different. In fact, I have been feeling this way on my birthday for eight years now. It is beyond crazy to me that my mom has now been gone for eight birthdays! I missed her, as I do every day, and I decided to visit her grave. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining and the weather was finally warm enough for shorts! I laid on the grass, absorbed the sun, and thought about sweet birthday memories I shared with my mom. I did not want to be sad on my birthday, though sometimes it is hard to control your feelings, as I am sure you know. Sitting at her gravesite gave me the opportunity to reflect and be thankful for the birthdays we did have together. I was in a nasty mood for most of the morning, but after having that time, my mood lifted. I felt better and more connected with her. I just needed to take a moment to reconnect.

I took the day off school and decided it was going to be a *ME* day. I had nothing planned, so as I was sitting watching Teen Wolf relaxing I decided time to catch up with some vendors, book some new ones, and try to get some addresses for my guest list.

Oren and I had our engagement photos on last Sunday. We have a wonderful photographer who is personable and does AMAZING work. We started at Krohn Conservatory which is a beautiful place in Cincinnati to take some pictures. Since it was the end of March, we did not have the best weather. Luckily, it was sunny without a cloud in the sky, but Spring had not sprung yet, and I wanted some color in my pictures! So we went to Krohn to get that effect. It was crowded but very fun and she got some great shots (from what I saw)!

We then hopped into my car and drove downtown. I wanted some pictures of Music Hall. This is a famous building in Cincinnati that hosts the Symphony, the Cincinnati Pops, Opera, among other things. Since it was a Sunday, we could not get inside, but Laura, being a creative genius, used the building and it’s beautiful architecture to capture some gorgeous photos. We then drove downtown and parked at our future venue (love it!) and took some pictures in front of the fountain in the middle of our downtown square.

Laura and I spoke on the phone a couple days before the engagement-shoot and she told me it would be highly unlikely that the fountain would be on since it was so cold outside. I told her that I would still like to drive by it to double check if it was on or off. Either that night or the next, I had a dream that Oren and I were taking our photos in front of the flowing fountain. I knew that dream was foreseeing the future. So, when Laura said maybe we should skip the fountain because it was very chilly outside, I refused to give in telling her I knew it would be on. As we walked around the corner, it was on! We got some great photos in front of the fountain, something I really wanted since during our winter wedding, it most likely will be off. I did not take this sign lightly. I believe that was a little gift sent from above. 

The whole experience was awesome and we are so lucky to be working with Laura. We can not wait to see the final product. We check her blog daily!

On Friday, I booked lighting for my venue, made an appointment with my second bakery for the cake (did not like the first one!) , and requested a proposal for my make-up. I am moving right along with the planning. However, through the process, I still feel frustrated that I am doing it alone. I am becoming overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done. I am 9 months away from my date, but that does not make this experience less stressful or sad. I know it’s not right around the corner, but it is going faster than I thought possible.

Where were you 9 months out from your wedding? I have no clue if I am even on track! Thankfully, it hasn’t haunted my dreams yet…

The Weather.

I am having a January wedding. In a previous post I explained all the reasons why. I am very excited about my winter wedding. However, one thing has been on my mind; the weather.

I know I cannot control the weather, especially for a January wedding. This past Martin Luther King Jr. weekend it was snowy in Cincinnati, all weekend long. It snowed all day on the 17th (my wedding date) and looked like a winter wonderland! This gave me anxiety. I know another couple who were married on the 17th this year, and a lot of their guests did not come because of the weather. My biggest worry! Can you imagine putting all that planning, money, and effort into planning a wedding and then have half of your guests not show up because of a snow storm?! The worst! So as you can imagine, I am pretty obsessed with the weather. I have always been a little over concerned with the weather, especially during tornado season in Ohio.

Yesterday, my fiancé, Oren, had a friend over the house who was in town for work. During our conversation I brought up the weather and how cold it is for March. We started talking about the crazy weather conditions of 2013-2014 thus far and eventually got on the topic of our wedding. I confessed my worries about the weather and people missing the wedding as a result. Oren’s friend, being the nice guy he is, said:

“Don’t worry about the weather and people missing the wedding. The most important part of getting married is having both your parents there and both of Oren’s parents there. As long as you have that, you don’t need to worry about anyone else.”

I smiled. He obviously forgot, or didn’t know, that my mom passed away. Oren and I glanced at each other and smiled. Neither of us wanted to make him feel awkward in our home, and we mutually agreed (without words) that we would not correct him. I knew that correcting him would make him feel awkward, just when I tell people I am planning my wedding alone because my Mom passed away; awkward.

Oren’s friends statement made me think. He assumed my mom was alive, just like everyone does. That I can’t blame anyone for. I am (almost) 27, of course it is more normal for me to have a Mom than not. I started thinking about what his statement meant. He said that the weather was not as important because we would have our parents there, and that is the important part. I agree, having my Dad and Oren’s parents there is very important. However, I can’t help but think that I am not even going to have the most important part of my wedding completed.

I will be missing someone who cannot be replaced. Oren is missing the opportunity to ever meet my Mother. He will never have a mother-in-law. We will both be missing someone very special on our wedding day, actually, multiple people.

Oren’s friends statement made me feel pretty sad for a little, even though I masked my sadness with a smile. At the moment, I have found no comfort knowing that not all four of the most important people in Oren and my life will be there. As I try to maneuver between these feelings, I think I will just focus on the weather.